Family Applications

So, my wife's sister is getting serious a/b a boy. First cousins from Cork, Ireland have decided it is important to create an application for the boy into the family. Then family and more importantly potential father in law (also from Cork City, Ireland) can review. They asked for my input. Here are some of the questions I have submitted for the application process:

1. Murphy’s vs. Guiness. Discuss.
2. Please discuss your theories on umbrella drinks.
3. Please comment on the following statement from the Borat movie: “My wife is dead. A high five!”
4. Van Morrison. True Irish?
5. Which side are you on or who do you favor and why:
- Team Jolie or Team Aniston
- Jews or Arabs
- Lindsay vs. Hillary
- Jack vs. Sawyer
- Jack Bauer vs. James Bond
- Barbara Walters vs. Big, Fat, Black Chick
- J. Lo or Jennifer Garner
- Cork vs. Tipperary
- Russian chicks or Swedish chicks
- Heat Miser vs. Snow Miser
- LCD vs. plasma
- Jessica Rabbit vs. Betty Boop
6. Who would you pick in a battle to the death and why?
- Jenna Jameson vs. Scarlet Johansson
- Carson Kressley vs. Ryan Seacrest
- Spiderman vs. Batman
- Kirsten Dunst and Lindsay Lohan
- Cartman vs. Bart Simpson
- Ashley Simpson vs. Jessica Simpson
- Mike Wallace vs. Larry King
- Ireland vs. France
7. Is it ever appropriate to tell your wife she looks fat?
8. Is it ever appropriate to tell your wife that something she is wearing makes her look fat?
9. Is it ever appropriate to tell your wife she’s wearing too much make up and looks like a clown?
10. Oliver Cromwell. Ass kicker, bad guy or just misunderstood?
11. What is your favorite holiday animated show and why?
12. Should Michael have killed Fredo?
13. Keyser Soze: Man or myth?
14. If you come home and your wife is touching another woman in inappropriate places, is it cheating?
15. Landing strip or Brazilian waxing?
16. Please list all the countries in history that Ireland has conquered.
17. Ireland’s involvement in WWII. Worthy of praise or pussies?
18. Please list qualities you seek in father in law.
19. Please comment on this statement: “You can hammer a thousand nails and you’re not a carpenter, but you suck one dick and you’re gay.”
20. If you need to seek revenge are you creative enough to come up with a catchy slogan like “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die? Please provide an example.
21. Is J is important enough to write a poem about? If so, please provide one as an example rhyming words with the following words; thespian, looters, luck, angina, and orange.
22. Girls performing in “Barely Legal” movies are:
a) Exploited women
b) Misunderstood women
c) Naughty women who probably need a spanking
23. Hurling is to me:
a)Too fast for me
b)Too rough, I’m scared
c)Really just a liquid burp required to empty the tank
d)A kick ass game I should watch with future father in law
24. Gaelic football is:
a)Scary
b)Too slow
c)Too Irish
d)A kick ass game I should watch with future father in law
25. My favorite cousin of J’s is:
a)R
b) H
c)P
26. Irish women are like the old lady who lived in the shoe and had so many kids her uterus fell out because:
a)They’re both inspiring
b)They are both sluts
c)They’re not alike
27. True or False:

I know all the moves to the Macarana.
I know all the moves to the Electric Slide.
I know all the words to Karma Chameleon.
I cry over movies.
Clay Aiken is one handsome guy.
Irish people are the bees knees.
Canadians are better than Irish people.
I really wanted Schroeder to bang the snot out of Lucy.
I felt Scarface was too violent.
Dawson’s Creek was a great show.
Girls touching themselves is frankly, gross.
I kept thinking the whole time that Yukon Cornelius in “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” was a pedophile especially they way he kept licking his pick axe.
I used to eat Play Dough.
My close friends would probably feel comfortable in the Star Wars’ Cantina bar on Tatoonie.

You can please some of the people...

Being a guy who likes to share... I thought I would tell you all the story of what happened to me at lunch:

So, I'm walking along the street, minding my own business, today at lunch. And this hot girl comes over and says, "Would you like to help assist us in getting constitutional rights for gays and lesbians." Immediately my first reaction was; "no thanks" in my you're a liberal and gosh, you even smell a little liberal, way (that incense smell, not cabbage). She then said, "why not?" At that point a switch changed in my mind and this woman in front of me ceased to be liberal...

Now I had visions of pole dancing lesbians... my "man-sense" kicked in and I immediately said that, "you're absolutely right. How insensitive of me. However, I only want to help the lesbians... what can I do?"

She just said; "you're a jerk" and stormed off. How rude! That's no way to help your cause... Heck, I even had a pocket full of singles from being out at the bar w/ J Sat. night.

Well, I then went and got my hair cut by my largely endowed, tight shirt wearing Russian women who made me feel better.

Word.

Rookie Blogger - November 3

Never blogged before. I've just stumbed in this new world. Not sure I will actually do this often, but it might be fun to respond to others... but this seems like the thing to do at work with a hangover.

What do you call a fish w/ two knees?

A two knee fish... thank you. I'm here all week. Please tip your bartenders.